Appreciation Without A Push

Sometimes, people just don't know how much they mean to me. It means so much just to notice me and acknowledge the things I'm trying to do. And it's all genuine and that much sweeter. For those of you who went to school with me, it may seem a little weird to see me say those words but its the truth. For the longest time, I went unnoticed, unappreciated and I was truly hurt. And I owe it all to Eli for the man I am today. His death was a blessing in disguise. God was showing me how much of an impact one man can have and that he doesn't have to be famous. I appreciated my relationships a lot more after his death and its cliche but its the truth, you never know how much something meant to you until its gone. And in my case at the moment, I'm leaving a strong support group physically and in most breakups, its saddening, difficult, arduous and you tend to regret the fact that you didn't show enough appreciation towards somebody. With me however, I feel so blessed to see how many people have just expressed to me how much their gonna miss seeing my face, I'm hella badd haha. But seriously, to know I meant something is moving, its beautiful, its a blessing. And to my exs and all the girls that didn't give me the time of day a few years back, look at me now. You mad. I just want to end by saying thank you to everyone who opened up to me and allowed a little chocolate into their life haha.

Yea, This Is Why

You know, I write these blogs for a few of reasons. One, I can be serious for once and get whatever is bothering me off of my chest. My mind is always running, especially at night. Two, to help others and attempt to provide some type of guidance. And three... in hopes that she will see these and something will tell her that I'm the one she needs. Actions speak louder than words but sometimes we need to slow down, sit down and soak it in.... I like how that sounds, I want her to read this and if shes standing by any chance, have to take a seat because my words hit her like a ton of bricks. It would be nice to have my words carry such weight. You see here, I can show a whole another side to Kwaun. I call this person Q. Why Q? Q is the leading male role in Love & Basketball, the character in Juice that survives and earns the respect of his peers(don't wanna kill the movie if you haven't seen it) and finally, most people think my name starts with that letter and I've always wanted a cool nickname. But back to the subject at hand, I realized that if I saw a girl write some of the things I write and knew they were about me, I would do one of two things. If I barely know her or we have somewhat of an awkward relationship then I would block her on facebook but if she was someone special and she meant to me as much as I appear to mean to her, I would like to think that I'd be flattered. Some of that statement is wishful thinking. In the movies, this would be the part where its revealed to her how much she means to me and, I magically appear outside her window with a boombox playing I Wanna Be Your Man by Zapp & Roger or something like that. Then she runs outside in her pajamas to embrace me outside her door and its happily ever after. I blame Disney. It's a common thing for me. Each time I'm writing a new post about Her, its so that in the modern version of my movie, I magically receive a text from her saying simply I Miss You.

Interrogation Of The Myself, Us

I miss you. There I said it. I'm so tired of trying to act like I'm a player and that you were just another girl. I think of you everyday and it kills me. It just feels like I have to tell my heart to beat, please continue to pump. And I have those moments where I say to myself, get over it MAN! But I can't, I just cant. Why'd you have to mean so much? Why'd you have to go? Why now?!? God, why are you doing this to me? Do you even care? I just want to know if I ever cross your mind. If you still eat peanut butter and waffles with maple syrup and get your hands dirty and think of me. And if you do think of me, for maybe that one second, do you smile? Does your heart skip a beat? I don't even feel mine beat, mine skips every time I think of you and that's always. Do you still have the pictures, my jacket, my notes? I know you still have my heart. Do you know how to use it now, because you didn't always? I want to be one of kind, perfect, just for you. My last question... May I be that?

Forgotten Pt. 2

And this is the time where a sigh of relief is supposed to happen, but I feel like I have none to waste. In a week, I want to see everyone one last, make one incredible memory, make up for everything I've done and everything I haven't... Anticipation is the key word, when I left for Oregon, it was a shock, I didn't see it coming but I know the end is coming now. I know I won't see people ever again. And I'm afraid that it won't matter to them. Sure, now everyone is saying how much they miss me and whatever but I know I'll feel lonely at times, I'm going to want to come home and I'm gonna want it to all stop, life needs to stop. I'm just tired of losing people in my life, I hate it. I hate breaking up because I don't know how to be a friend after having those feelings, and I feel like my importance to them declined... I don't want to be forgotten when I leave, and it's selfish but I want people to cry at the thought of never having me in their life because that's what I do. Can I just mean the world to you, forever? These next 6 days suck.

Silence

We never really get to experience this phenomenon, when molecules are not being forced upon themselves at some amplitude to where the human ear can interpret the movements, thanks Hotell. It doesn't truly exist because when you're alone is when life is it's loudest. It's a time for reflection, is this where I want to be in life? See, there may be no sound but your head, your soul is screaming. It's telling you who you are, what you've done and potentially what your next step could be. Could be because the future tends to be a whisper. It's nothing concrete or tangible, you have no control and you cannot look anywhere for the answers. Here's how I look at it, the past provides questions, the present is the steps taken to solve the problem and the future are the results. And I know it seems like I sort of contradicted myself but we cannot confuse the present with the future. Today is the oldest I've ever been and the youngest I'll ever be. Our present like our future is always changing. Now back to this silence, the best way I've found to cope with this critical period is to do something I enjoy and something I can do on my own. If nobody else lived on this planet, I know I would still be happy and for me, it's basketball. You have to find your passion, there has to be something about you that is extraordinary and you must be the only one to access it. Basketball is my answer when I ask myself who am I and what am I doing and it will always be something I want to do. So I lied, my answer to the silent questioneer, is the bounces of a orange ball.

Happy 18th Eli

You would have been 18 today, on a FRIDAY hahaha. We would have hooped, maybe I would have let you win this time, then get you tatted and just do us, and you know we would have had to go dancing... Today, we both would have been men. I knew you everyday of your life and practically mine too and we were supposed to both live long lives right after we would both be going to college together and then our sons would do the same thing... I love you and miss you everyday. I look at dudes today, and its like each one has that one best friend that they've known their entire life and it sucks that you won't be here physically. I still dream of you and sometimes I cry when I wake up and I think to myself that this has to be some type of joke like you got in trouble with the wrong people and now you're in some type of witness protection. And for the longest time, I asked God why did you have to go? And when my mom first told me one of my best friends were no longer here, you didn't come to mind, you was supposed to always be here. But the truth is that I wouldn't have been a man today, maybe by law and in this system I was an adult as soon as I could nut. What I'm getting at is that when I saw the amount of kids crying over Eli, I wanted to be that same person and I wasn't. Have that same effect. I'm a man now kid... I guess I can't call you that anymore. Before all of this, the only time you wasn't in my life was the 20 days that separated us. I can't put it all into words, I want to and have to show you what you mean to me through my actions. I will make us both proud just like in our movie, The Sixth Man.... E & K, All The Way! Happy Birthday Eli, only I called you that. You won't ever be forgotten. Save a spot for me and Rest In Peace Lil' Brother.